Ang Nini

Lucid Moment

2010-03-15T21:58:00.000-07:00

The moment I fell in love was the moment when logic and the sense of balance evaded the confines of my brain. I no longer am capable of deciphering what is just and what is rightfully mine as every breath and every movement I can muster is all but involuntary.

Love has been a poison I have not the strength to resist. A day becomes a thousand memories, a lifetime of surmountable joy infused by a daily suffering of pathological behavior.

Am I Ordinary?

2010-01-24T01:24:00.000-08:00

What is ordinary? I wonder if I have the right to claim that I am just an ordinary person.

I have nothing achieved anything yet, i haven't really proven anything that's worth mentioning.

Damn Life!!!

2010-01-17T04:18:00.000-08:00

4 years ago, I was single and I was sad. I should have nothing more to complain about now that I have found the love of my life, and yet here I am suffering with every little thing he does. I know i shouldn't be blaming him, after all I have signed up for this.

Every night, I pray. I pray that he would love me the way he did before. Every night I think about the things I can do to keep him. Sometimes, I feel that he has already drifted away and I am all alone in this relationship. It's hard when you are the only one who is in love because whether he does something or not, it will just hurt you.

When I was young, I always wondered why grown ups used to say that kids are lucky. I never thought that after 28 years I'll be jaded and would know how it feels to be a bitter grown up wishing that he goes back to be silly little boy. I've fallen in love so hard it is almost a sin.

Remind me what my brain is for again...

2009-11-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

2009-11-16T18:32:00.000-08:00

2009-11-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

Ubuntu Madness

2009-05-07T00:03:00.000-07:00

I recently installed Ubuntu on an old laptop which has windows XP originally and may I say that I am having a blast. Enriched with all the internet capabilities you could ask for and more, i began wondering why have I just now decided to take advantage of this marvelous operating system.

I am totally clueless about Linux but as early as now, I am enjoying its benefits. Thanks for a new found joy in computing. I now have the edge that I have so long been looking for.

Under His Claw or Wings?

2009-03-30T08:28:00.001-07:00

I see everyone as an experience to learn about life. Everyone has their own stories to tell and the important thing about meeting people is the lessons you will learn from them.

I recently got transferred to a manager whom I heard does not like me. Decapitation was the first word that came into my head. I wonder how it feels to walk around without my head. My head started throbbing when I realized that my already complicated career has taken a new turn to a new and more suicidal position.

Anyhow, I am determined to lead the change in life. I am sure that if I employ a differrent perspective I will be in a better shape both emotionally and mentally.

Where To?

2008-12-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

I have been with you for the past three years and may I say that it has been the best three years so far of my life.

Where are we to? We have posted this question time and time again and yet no answer seem to be available. You let me in at times to your silence and I have always expressed how uncomfortable I am. My breathing echoes as I decipher what will become of this relationship a day or so after this. It has always been a mystery.

I have never named you on my blog as you have wanted to be kept from anyone's attention. I have always been proud of what we have and managed to squeeze a few names to our little secret. Now that three years have past, the caul that kept this relationship from being revealed is starting to wear thin. I can feel you shudder from the fear of being exposed.

Sometimes I wonder if you are afraid to be associated with people like us or from what we have. You always kept your thoughts from me.

Three days prior to the 12th of December, I asked you once again...

"Where to?"

"We have been together for so long that I no longer know who I am", you said. " You seem to be too good to be true, and sometimes I cry over the fact that I can't give what would make you happy"

"But, I have always been happy with you!", I said. "Despite my mindless ramblings and constant complaints, I will never want another."

Looking back at all the times we asked where this relationship is leading, I know realize one thing. I couldn't care less where we are just as we are together.

Reality as it bites

2007-10-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

I have got to stop spending.
Every payday, I have this overwhelming urge to spend all my two weeks earning on greasy-arteries-clogging-yet-so-wickedly-delicious sweets. It does not really help if you are with the company of equally healthy, meaning abundant, eaters who have the same passion for food. As a result, here I am dragging my big fat ass and my tummy as an obvious indication of my pay slip.
On top of that, I really have no idea on how to spend my earnings wisely. After getting one gadget, here I am eyeing another, and worse it’s expensive. It’s like beating a world record every single time.

I remember my younger brother told me about an article he read on investing one’s earnings. It talked about acquiring objects that would eventually be a source of income. He said that while I am young and have the ability to earn a decent living, I should start investing on some sort of business. If my investment will end up in futility, at least I still have the capability to earn. Granted that my business will succeed, I can start saving for my future.

Makes sense.

So, here I am, knowing that in the next few weeks, the 13th month bonus and other allowance being given, temptation is stronger. I have to think twice before even spending a dime.

I Choose To Be In Love

2007-08-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

I often find myself feeling empty after my boyfriend leaves for work. The night promises to be long and winding. It scares me to think that I am alone during times as such, I find him as my only security blanket. His stares comforts me a million times. His words lull me to sleep. His embrace are traps that I do not mind to be in.

Love has a way of telling you that everything will be alright despite the heavy clouds. Whenever I stare up before a storm, I only see the silver lining that promises a good day ahead. The wind, no matter how violent, would only make me cling to my partner's warmth.

But love is not all butterflies and rainbows. It is sometimes a cliff to which you have to jump in and die to start a new life. It is sometimes fire to which you burn and through the ashes are lessons learned. The ocean that rages while some part will be serene reminds me of love. I hate him sometimes but a bigger part of me loves him more.

I define love as I feel it. My words are simple and I might have fallen short of adjectives to describe love but that is just how it feels.

Joke of the Week

2007-07-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

I would love to sum up things that happened to me this week but the caffaine induced conciousness that I am currently sporting is starting to wear off. Any moment I know that I will succumb to a sweet lullaby.

Here is a joke I have heard from a customer.

Three old guys ranting, first guy said "It's kind windy", and with much gusto second guy cried "No, it's thursday" and after such comment the third guy butted in saying "me too, let's grab something to drink"

No, I don't get how it supposed to be funny. I don't really know if it is because I have heard that from an American and the humor is much different from me, a Filipino; or it if the concept of three old guys bordering senility, talking to each other is not something that I find hilarious. I have a gut feel that joke has a notorious reputation among family gatherings and is mostly associated to comments such "here goes uncle again" and "I have heard that before".

Tuesday, Ranting and all that Shit.

2007-07-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

After dragging my carcass in the speed of light, I managed to get to the office 5 mins before 9PM. I swiped my access card, sporting a wet look and running like I am being mugged. I took 2 Jeepneys, a Tricycle and Cab in order for me not to be late and as soon as I opened my computer I decided to log in to our application just to find out I am 30 Mins early.

Darn this day!

Hyper about Iphone

2007-07-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'll let you in a secret. I'm a tech-freak.

Yup, I am one of those people who can't wait to get a hold of the latest gadget. My idea of entertainment is to read reviews on the latest gizmos available in the market. Whenever I read the sunday edition of our local broadsheets, I immediately scan the paper for any trace of technology and feast my eyes on the prices of such eye candies.

Yes, I am one of those people who happen to start calcualting, hoping to come up with somehow accurate estimation of Iphone's price when it is eventually released here the Philippines.

I am currently sporting a Nokia 6630 which I purchased last November 2006. It was actually a spontaneous decision thinking that I didn't really have the budget for a high end phone and that I needed something that will support all my texting and MMS-ing needs. So far, it has not disappointed me.

Well, with the recent hype about Iphone, I am starting to consider getting my hands on one as soon as it hits the market. Downside about it though, is that it does not have 3g for streaming, downloading and Video call; and although it comes with 4G or 8G of internal memory, it does not support expandable memory, which I am very particular about because most device usually crash whenever the internal memory has been exhausted.

Base on what I have read, it will range from $500 -$600, which is not so bad considering that it is a phone that has computing functions.

I guess I have to start saving for the IPhone. I just hope that when they release it here in the Philippines, Apple has already incorporated 3G.

My Job II

2007-07-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

Although I am shortlisted to become a Supervisor, thoughts of resignation lurks in my head. Some people might think that it will be a stupid move if I decided to terminate my stay with the company but then again, I have better options. The main reason why i decided to stay in my current job is because I like the Company itself.

I am beyond dreaming of greener pastures. I am at the point that money is no longer the main concern. I am not saying that I am well-off, I don't have even a bank account and a week after this post, I am considered broke, but I no longer see the importance of money because I am confident that I will always earn it. A friend once pointed out that happiness is something that you decide on. I didn't really get her idea because we were talkin about our current partners; not until reflecting about my situation. I have decided that I am happy with Convergys. Although I could get a better job in another Call Center, I opted to stay with the company because I see myself achieving my goals in here.

When I decided to join Convergys, I have set my goal that I will be a Supervisor. After a year of toiling, my goal is starting to become a reality. Hard work has not paid off yet, I am still waiting for my time. Patience is wearing thin, though, knowing that I have better options. The only reason why I am not taking them is because of the company I believe in.

My Job

2007-06-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

After a long day of tending to Americanos, I am bound to hit the sack. This day has been the longest, and I am just glad that it is over.

Last night, before going to my job, I have been crying because I felt that I am in another dead end. I was in the comfort of my own room, trying to wash away the pain that burdens my heart. I work in a Call Center and for you guys that might think that it is a glamorous job, please think again.

I am always blamed for problems that I am never aware of. If you are from the U.S. and you have those three button system in your vehicle, I just want you to know that I am one of those people whom you have blamed because your car won't crank. Yes, I am also the one you blame if you have been billed twice for a product you have never used, and God only know if you will ever use it.

I am not complaining. I extend my patience as you rant on how sucky our service is.

But the job is not at all that bad. I also hear how grateful some of you are to our service and how we have saved your lives.

More about my job on my next posts.

Some things...

2007-06-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

Some of the projects that I have neglected and now are way overdue. I have come up with a list of things that I am supposed to accomplished before the year ends.

1. Start a photoblog. Something that will chronicle the daily dose of depression and happy momments of my ordinary life.

2. Increase the RAM of my computer. The poor old thing struggles as it cranks up a website, not to mention how I end up dancing while waiting for Adobe Photoshop to pull up.

3. Take another 9 units of my Masters. Enough said. Education is the key.

4. Learn another language. I am thinking of Italian.

This Place

2007-06-18T12:27:00.000-07:00

This place used to hold stories of pain. As the bag slowly unloaded, I find myself visiting my blog less.

I was checking some other blogs that I find very entertaining and I realized one thing. I have been writing about painful memories and realization that I would rather forget. Most of the blogs that I have been reading lately usually talks about life in random, stories of day to day accounting of one’s life.

Why do I chronicle such painful memories anyway?

For some time, writing was a sort of therapy for me. I was depressed, overworked and single. I have nothing or nobody to spend time on and blogging became a refuge for my ailing heart.

I still don’t have the things that I want to have in life, but I am slowly getting them. The journey promises to be fun and with the boyfriend beside me, I know I will achieve all my dreams.

Here I am at 25 --un-single, still overworked and occasionally depressed—and I still have more stories to tell.

Let the tapping of the keys begin.

Baby Nic

2007-06-11T11:36:00.000-07:00

It has been a year since she died.

I have always adored this little critter. Ever since she came into our lives, things have been different.
Like all other stories of deaths, there are certain things I regret about. The morning she died, I was looking for a vase that would fit her carcass so that we can plant flower and bring her anywhere we go. I know that I should have been home before she died because she was waiting for me.
A week before her death, I was plunged in a deep depression. I could feel in every vein that her time was near. After giving her a bath, I lie flat beside her humming a tune, hoping it would ease the pain she was feeling, and hoping that the good Lord will immediately end her misery. It was the most painful scene I can remember.

She spent 11 years with us. I wish I still have her now. I know that this post does not give justice to how much I miss her but I just have to write down every tear I shed. I love her so much and I know forever I will be crying because I will never have her badk.

To my baby Nicnic, I love you.

=(

2007-05-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

He seems to like me. Too bad because I am no longer available.

Sometimes, I wonder why friendship stray into something bigger than it is supposed to be. I guess it is the constant companionship as we reflect on its importance. We tend to overthink that whatever we have, no matter how superficial it may be, has some sort of meaning. One day we will find eachother wrapped around eachothers arms and saying words not oftened said.

Here I am at a crossroad, thinking about you and loving someone else. No matter how much I want to take that risk to have you, I am sorry but my heart belongs to one person. I am also saddened that as much as I do not want to hurt you, we will take this road and all players will end up bruised.

2006-09-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

Love is a writer's affliction. Enough said.

I love you

2006-02-25T10:08:00.000-08:00

I love you....

Does that explain why I am lonely tonight? How can a heart break when it knows that distance will be conquer by love alone. And yet, no matter how comforting your smiling face, immortalized in my mind, the night of not having you scares the hell of me.

Tee Hee

2006-01-18T23:32:00.000-08:00

I haven't been to this place for quite sometime.

I am about to have an iron hurled at me if I don't get my schedule fixed. The lover is very cooperative, i asked him not to disturb me since I have tons of reports and research to finish.

I missed my blogspot.

Rape

2005-12-04T14:03:00.000-08:00

I have to write this up. This is how I see it.

=====================

I heard her pain last night and I will not let a second pass without telling the world that there are souls waiting for redemption. That it's crooked alleys have once again been the path to the corruption of one's soul.

As she saw her dignity ruptured by her own flesh, she withdraws to the dark night. Fear crept in like the unevitable withering of flowers. The tide has gone low, and so did her self esteem. She has forgotten how important she is to this world. She remained quiet.

The sound of the sea will never hum its song again. All she heard from then on are the waves crashing, angry and wild, ready to swallow her to it's bottom.

Cry if you must, but never let your the shadow get you. Say it out loud. I will listen.

==============

This entry is for X who shall never be named. She was raped by her stepfather. To all, please speak up. Listen and act.

Steering One's Life.

2005-12-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to evaluate everything for the past few minutes and I have come to the point that I am about to pull all the hair on my head from their follicles.

Here's a list of the things that I am not blessed with:

1. Fulfilling career.
2. A relationship worth ranting and raving about, or any kind of relationship for that matter.
3. My own pad, which I am supposed to be working on.
4. A car.

Here are the things that I am blessed with.

1. Friends that no matter how distant we are to each other, we will always remain friends no matter.
2. A salary higher than what I am supposed to be earning.
3. This Blog. The freedom to express one's self without being barred.

that's 4 :3. What does that imply? Does it mean that I haven't worked damn well? Have I been lying around letting my ass get fat?

I still have next year. So, all in all I still have the steer to my cammand.

Realization: Loathing one's self

2005-11-28T02:51:00.000-08:00

"How about shaving your eyebrows?"

Looking at myself in the mirror, I kinda noticed that my eyebrows starts at a thick bush of hair on the middle and gradually dissipating into a barren field. Although it doesn't count as an imperrfection, and not that I am in the habit of looking for imperfection, I have often wondered if I will look better if the eyebrows would take some form. Something more organized than chaotic.

I realized that I am beginning to hate myself by being more aware of the things that I have and don't have. I try to alter what I think will not flatter my features, or the things that I find... uhmm let say hideous. So I end up loathing myself because of such imperfections are with me.

In someway, I hate that I don't find myself handsome. I hate that my skin is not flawless. I hate that I have major issues when it comes to the shape of my body. But these things are superficial. They can always disappear when the time comes that I get fed up with them and decide to do something about them. I can always seek professional help. So I guess, what I am trying to point out is that, it is ok to hate one's self as long as you move on and try to do something about the things that you hate.

I know, I am not making sense at all. (the next line will probably be the catalyst that will destroy the whole point I just made) To me, I feel pretty. But I am aware that there are things that I need to work on.

Keeping Myself Busy

2005-11-23T20:06:00.000-08:00

What have I gotten myself into?

Although I know that there is no turning back, I keep on wondering if I would regret any of the things that keep my days occupied. To give you a little background:

1. Programming. I am currently under the supervision of three well-versed programmers. Yes, a different language that is. I mean, common... I took up Mass Communications for goodness sake! WTF am I doing to my brain racking it up with codes and tyring to analyze and visualize all at the same time. Well, it isn't so bad since I am enjoying it.

2. Master of Arts in Communication Management. Uhh-hh... Yeah... Do you think I need it. Hell, I am beginning to think that I am on my way to an asylum. I decided to push for it because I had a crush on a guy who happen to study nursing at Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila. Yeah, at first I thought it was the shallowest reason but then again that's another thing to keep me away from boredom.

3. Depressing myself over being single. When the hell did I stop? I think, I should be placed in a psychiatric ward the day that I stop being depressed.

Seriously, I am fine. I could still use another hobby. Thinking of... hmmm, Tennis!

Darn Dreams

2005-11-22T03:42:00.000-08:00

I need to get laid.

Dreams about sex are recurring. I don't like it when I dream about sex. I end up depressed.

Pi-Em, on a Blank Paper.

2005-11-21T02:51:00.000-08:00

My idea of friendship is a blank sheet of paper. You are free to write on it. Nobody can tell you what to write or stop you from erasing what you have written.

Pi-em, a very dear friend, has abandoned me not just once. Abandoned might be to harsh a word. I could say that it was a hiatus from friendship. I remember back in college, she wanted more freedom to do the things she wanted, like smoking, or getting drunk, things that I wouldn't do nor will Mitchie (my bestfriend, and Piem adored the time the three of us met) so she hopped from one group to another only to find that she will fall back to our arms. She was shunned by our classmates for her apparent indifference for scholastic endeavors. Nobody really liked to be with her when it comes to schoold projects because she never really contributed much and if she did, it wouldn't have amount to anything. She wasn't dumb. She was just lazy.

When we finished college, I kept my ties with Pi-Em. I was there everytime she needed someone. In events that she needed an ear to listen to her primal screams, I lended mine. She needed me and I was always there.

I might sound that I am crazy over Pi-Em but the truth is I just needed to be there. She needed some sort of a Pillar to lean on. She is a tired soul from all the beating that this world is giving her.

Somehow, I have always expected Pi-Em to do the same for me but she never did. Although I am in the habit of calling her whenever I need someone to listen, I have always hoped that in some cosmic and weird way, she'll feel my pain and dial my number. She never did. Every time that she listens to my primal screams, my rantings and ravings about how crooked the whole world seems to be, and through the rollercoster of my emotions, all that I can hear is the buzz coming from the flourescent light in my room. She listens alright, but she doesn't hear what I have to say. She is always more concerned about what's on the boob tube.

But I still love her.

Now, she seems to be happy with her life. Her life, currently, does not include my presence. Not even the idea of me, unless she needs my help. With her Boyfriend being there to listen to her whine, I find myself being washed away into being a distant recollection.

In times as such, I end up re-evaluating my idea of friendship. Friends are for keeps no matter how distant they seem to be. I wonder if Pi-Em still misses me, or if she ever did. Oh well, I'll try to talk to her tomorrow and think of diabolic schemes on how I could meet with her again.

Guy Trouble: The Trainor

2005-11-16T17:23:00.000-08:00

When will you stop bugging me.

It's obvious that everytime you ask me if I missed you, I am disarmed. I do not understand why you have such power over me. I must admit that I enjoy the attention, but that is just it. I don't give a shit about you.

I have always asked myself I do like you, and as much as I can not give any reason why i would, I also cant give any to prove that I don't. But I'd rather live with out you. I am fine just as I am. Without you at my sight.

I still don't know why you disarm me.

Here in My Corner

2005-11-15T06:29:00.000-08:00

The problem with me is that I do not believe in something.

It isn't really so bad. I open to anything provided that it comes with a firm justification.

In my 24 years of living, I have never had anything that will pass for a life altering moment. It is apparent in my penchant for starting every paragraph with sometimes. I do not seem to have anything that I firmly believe in. I do not have anything constant in my life that I have to justify everything with the word, sometimes. I am not sure of anything that I have to assess everything by the fleeting moments and flashing instances of significance in my life. Nothing big has happened.

Or am I looking at it the other way?

Just this morning, I watched two movies both tackling racial discrimination. As I imbibe each lesson contained within the horrors of each scene, something struck me. I realized that if ever that I would be in such situations, I would probably just walk away, as if I couldn't give shit, until I get my head blown into pieces. I do not care at all.

Have I been apathetic to such cruelty? Have I been desensitized because violence, racial discrimition and oppression is a fact of life and that I have to live with it? These questions have been bothering me.

I get scared. I wimp out. I run away, like anyone else. Never have I braved anything in my life and I am starting to hate myself for it. I do not have anything to stand for. I do not have anything that holds significance in my life. You would probably tell me that you have your family whom you hold dear to your heart. But family is a given variable in one's life and it is indicated in our nature that we should care for them and nurture as it has nurtured us. How about philosophy? Principles? A motto? This government? My country? How about myself? How about sexuality and preference? How about equal rights?

As I approach the end of this entry, I realize that I do believe in one thing. Truth. I should always fight for what I know is the truth. But then again, truth is subjective. I might end up fighting for the wrong cause.

Now, beaten by my own self, I end in one corner waiting for something significant to happen.

Fredda

2005-11-11T07:39:00.000-08:00

I miss Fredda.

My friend, Fredda, and I kept our communication through correspondence back when e-mail wasn't existent. Up to now, I keep all her letters and read through them. They still entertain me as much as the first time i opened them.

It has been years since I last saw her. We are never really faithful when it comes to communicating through text or e-mail. She doesn't even bother to call me whenever she's here in Manila. I know I am supposed to hate her for that, and I definetly deserve to throw a hissy fit on her for being so distant; But whenever, i hear her voice, I get so excited because I miss her so much, then I forget that I am supposed to be mad.

I feel...

2005-11-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

I hate sounding like I am desperate for some attention. It is starting to overwhelm me again. I never thought that being free is so confining.

So-called Standards

2005-11-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

Am I anyone's league?

In finding someone to love you back, I have always believe that the first step is to define your target market.

So there I am jotting down my standards, I define it by age: 30-40; by intelligence: Extremely stupid or fairly intelligent to a super genius; by physique: Medium built, sporty and toned; and by looks: uhhh who cares.

But everytime I try to match these to a specific market, and by market I mean... homosexuals and all its facets, I am confronted by the biggest question: Am I looking at a different direction?

Yes! That's exactly what I am having a problem with. Where in the world will I find my so-called Market? What ocean should I cross or mountain should I climb to find it? Other than finding it, I still have the problem of tapping it.

As I grow old and impatient, I find it harder to believe that someone is out there. I am seemingly convinced that my life will be lived alone.

Let us go back to myself. Who am I? Or I guess the proper question is, what the hell am I?

I can't really classify myself in any of the facets of homosexuality, because believe me... for a gay guy, I seem to be a lesbian sometime. And I will definitely not resort to the classic excuse that I am bisexual. Kick my ass, if you hear me whining...

Anyway, this brings me back to the question. Am I anyone's league?

I think I should put a period at this part and just go on with my life. If, by any chance, I happen to find a strange part of this planet where the likes of me lurk, I will then end this chapter of my life and begin the part where I am confronted with options. Hmmmm, i am looking forward to it.

On James

2005-11-07T13:15:00.000-08:00

Suddenly, I find myself drowning in an pit of depression.

Yes, I am starting to turn this blog in to a cheesy paperback novel but I guess that's just how I see my life. One big lump of cheesy Mills and Boons.

The more that I realize that I don't know James, the more that I fall for him.

Once again, I am defeated by the illogical part of my brain. It functions solely by deeming itself to futile ideas.

James is someone I haven't met. He was introduced to me by a friend. At start, I wasn't really interested because I was not at the habit of searching for anyone. We have been in constant communication through MSN Messenger and through the same medium, we knew each other well. Somehow, as days passed by, the constant chatting was turned into something deeper.

Things changed. It wasn't what it was before. All after a phone call.

Although at start, It was I who was nonchalantly dealing with the situation. I didn't give much attention to his signs until it was all gone. I guess I didn't really like the fact that he left me without knowing the other facts that I have.

But all is fair, I didn't know much about him either. Or is it?

Sometimes, I ponder at the situation. Is it my turn to coax him? Is it my turn to try and make him fall for me? He is such a nice person, I end up thinking about him more and more. And the more I think about him, the more I realize that I don't know him which makes him more interesting.

I wonder if he would like flowers. I like flowers. Wouldn't they be a lovely gift for a lonely heart?

Reminiscence: Young Perry

2005-11-04T11:50:00.000-08:00

My youngest brother, Perry, and I are becoming closer.

I guess I have never seen him before the way I see him now. Back when we were younger, he was a constant cause for annoyance, more of a bundle of burden than joy, and a task to tend to.

He's 17.

One time, back when he was 11, I accidentally read his assignments as I was cleaning up our room. It was an essay about their greatest dream. As I read every line of written on a crumpled paper, i started to cry. Written was:

"Gusto kong maging matalino tulad ng mga kuya ko"("I want to be intelligent like my brothers)

There was a whole paragraph on how much he look up to us. I dont remember if Yanyan, 3 years younger that I, have read Perry's essay, but I know that if he did, he would have cried. As I read further, my heart throbs for the innocent dream that my brother has. I never really thought that he has placed us on a Pedestal on such an early stage of our relationship as brothers. It dawned on me that I am playing a significant role to his young mind.

Now, as we have grown, I know that eventually we would part our ways. But time nor distance would not separate our hearts. As he venture to new endeavors, he is confident that when he looks back, we will be there.

Contemplation: Single, and more Rantings.

2005-10-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

One thing that bothers me right now is the fact that I have the lack of enthusiam to go out and meet people. It is conflicting with my current disposition since I have been having attacks of depression due to my long term solitude.

It isn't true that love comes to those who wait. I have waited patiently (at times, yes, I do succumed to depression) for the one true love that everybody is ranting about and yet, no matter how the leaves fall for the seasons, I have found no one to comfort my ailing heart.

Maybe, my one true love isn't a he or a she. Maybe, it is solitude. Or maybe, it is time. Or maybe, it is the realization that love is not something to be given, it cometh when not asked.

I often come across people who would tell me that I shouldn't be to eager to find someone who would fulfill my fantasies because I am young. Haven't they realized yet that that is exact reason why spinsters exist. People wait because they think they are always too young.

I refuse to believe any crap that would hinder me from finding my "it", my destiny, or my savior.

Oh, It's Raining.

2005-10-27T02:02:00.000-07:00

I used to wait for the rain to fall. Like A kid, I would patiently wait, peering from the window as the first drop fall on the rooftop.

Now, as the moist weather reminds me of warmth, and how much I dread the feeling of numbness and coldness, I would stay in my room and wish the rain to go away.

Sometimes I ask myself what seems to be the biggest deal about being single. what is wrong about not having someone to comfort you emotionally, or try to ask you to do the craziest thing. Some people would always walk away from others, while I, on the otherhand haven't even knocked at the door. As I ask myself these questions, and as the each day ends, all I am left with are four walls reminding me of an open empty space--My heart.

It is such a lonely world. The rain reminds me of that. I am single. I am desperate.

Under my own eye

2005-10-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

When the night deposits desperations to your solitude, where are you to go?

update: AngNini1

2005-10-07T02:08:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I last posted something in this blog. I have been busy tending to everyone.

Mommy was diaagnosed with tubercolosis last week ans she started her treatment. It will take 6 months for her to be fully recovered. It will take me years to learn how to handle such situations.

I have been in and out of depression. What comforts me is the fact that my family relies on to me to bring back order when chaos reigns. I, on the otherhand, rely on them for something that is intangible and nonexistent in my life.

The past few years, I have confused falling in love with desperation to fall in love. As the difference between the two spells out a whole new dimension, I have been guilty with attempting to fill any void inside my heart.

Years from now, when I have fallen in love and managed to distiguish between, I would look back and think how lucky I have been to commit such mistakes, for have I not, I would have not fallen in love at all.

You

2005-09-25T04:04:00.000-07:00

To my fellow lonesome soul,

As I have spent so many nights wondering where you are, not to mention the nights of giving up, I have concluded that only time and time will let our hearts meet, as it has let our hearts separated.

Will you wait for me then? Or will I have the courage to battle more nights of loneliness?

In the midst of numerous fits of depression, I have held on to one true thing.

Your existence is the pyre of my hope.

Until that time,
My heart awaits for you then.

Changes

2005-09-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

Like puberty, you are never ready for changes. But we always have our two feet. We can always run from it all or keep up.

I choose to keep up.

Poor Me

2005-09-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

How about direction.

Quagmire of possibilities all deeming to futility. In any direction, all I see is a blurred image of the future. I can't make any sense of it. I hope that I can pick all the fragments before me and make soemethinout of it. Anything out of it.

I am in the point of my career trying to understand whether it is too late to start over or if it too early to give up. A crossroad of some sort. Whatever decision I am about to take, I will suffer for a period of time. It is my destiny to be in this situation, I have accepted it blaming no one. But it doesn't stop here. Crossroads are opportunities and not an equation to decipher.

Right now, suicide seems to be a better option than looking for direction. I hate this

Birthday Cakes

2005-09-17T15:40:00.000-07:00

The idea of giving someone a gift should completely about the person whom you will give it to.

I recently turned 24 and having spent every year wondering if the people whom I care for would surprise me as much as I surprised them everytime the occasion for calls for it. Sadly, expectation wasn't met and the worse part about it is that it was catapulted in to something chaotic.

...two decades ago, i have always hoped that someone will give me a cake that towers with icing. It was a childhood dream that got stuck until now. Although I know that holding on to a childish wish will do nothing good for me, I have always secretly kept it running like an unchin behind my mind.

Now that I am capable of buying all the cakes that I want, I am still longing for someone to buy me one.

First blog... if it isn't obvious.

2005-09-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

Ordinary days are way too depressing.

The other night, my friend decided that she wanted to die in order to the grab as much attention as she can from this superficial world we live in. And, as rules of friendship would dictate it, she was able to get my attention. Although I knew that the more I feed her hunger, the more that she will remain stagnant from the depths of what is eating her, I had given her my ears and my heart.

The trouble with her is that she is single and lonely. If she was just single, I guess things wasn't as complicated as what has hapenned so far. If she was just lonely, we'd probably hang out at Coffee Experience at SM North. But she was both. She is a combination of two tragedies waiting for someone to die.

I am so sleepy right now, and as much as I want to continue my story, I have to snooze off. My oil glands are at maximum overdrive. Before I sign off, I want to tell her that I love her.